every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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