I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
