Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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