My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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