I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
