I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
