Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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