Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
