I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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