Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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