I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
