i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
