I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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