During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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