I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
