I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
