3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just found puke in my bra..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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