carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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