I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
