ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
