Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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