look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
