i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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