Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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