I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
