smell my finger.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
