I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Two words: blizzard sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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