I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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