I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
