Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
