What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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