theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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