idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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