I am midnight drunk by noon
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
