Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
