I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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