I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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