I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
