I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
