Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The power of my boobs compel you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
