the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
