woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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