I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
