Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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