i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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