The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
