I don't usually arrange sex via text message
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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