wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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