we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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