all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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