he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
